What is what to do when bpd pushes you away?

When someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) pushes you away, it can be a painful and confusing experience. Understanding the underlying reasons and reacting with empathy and appropriate boundaries is crucial. Here's some guidance:

• Understand the "Why": Often, the push-away is rooted in fear. This could be fear of abandonment (leading to preemptive distancing), fear of intimacy (due to past trauma), or intense emotional dysregulation where they need space to regulate. Remember that their actions are often driven by intense emotions, not necessarily a reflection of their true feelings towards you. Learn about Fear of Abandonment

• Give Them Space (Respectfully): While your instinct might be to reassure them, sometimes space is exactly what they need. Avoid excessive contact, guilt-tripping, or trying to force a conversation. A simple message acknowledging their need for space and expressing your continued support is often enough. Be careful you don't give so much space that you enable or reward bad behavior.

• Communicate Calmly and Clearly: When communication resumes, remain calm and rational. Avoid accusatory language or emotional outbursts, as this can escalate the situation. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming them. Learn about I Statements

• Set and Maintain Boundaries: Pushing away can be a manipulative tactic. Setting and consistently enforcing healthy boundaries is vital for your own well-being. This includes defining acceptable behavior, communication styles, and time commitments. Firm boundaries, communicated with empathy, let them know what you can tolerate without reinforcing the behavior. Learn about Setting Boundaries

• Validate Their Emotions (Without Endorsing Behavior): Acknowledge their feelings, even if you don't understand them. For example, you could say, "I understand you're feeling overwhelmed," without condoning hurtful actions. Learn about Emotional Validation

• Encourage Therapy: If they are not already in therapy, gently encourage them to seek professional help. BPD is a complex condition, and therapy (especially Dialectical Behavior Therapy - DBT) can be highly effective.

• Practice Self-Care: Supporting someone with BPD can be emotionally draining. Prioritize your own well-being by engaging in activities that bring you joy, connecting with supportive friends and family, and seeking therapy if needed. Don't allow yourself to be emotionally abused.

• Recognize Your Limits: It's okay to admit that you can't handle the relationship. If the push-pull dynamic is consistently damaging your mental health, it may be necessary to distance yourself or end the relationship, regardless of your feelings for them. Learn about Recognizing Abuse